I am the Girl who Cries

 As my first post, I would like to introduce myself to the world first and the reason why I am starting with blogging again after years of it. I am 35, and I am still crying over little things. I am 35, and I am still having nervous breakdowns. I am 35, and I am still too emotional to experiencing big changes in life without crying. I am 35, and I am still having trust issues with people. I am 35, and I am still trying to find inner peace. 

A lot of my issues comes down to my relationship with my mother who would translate disagreement or having a different opinion to disloyalty. There was never a right way to do things; there was only her way. She tends to overthink any situation and does not see the good sides in anything. I always thought of her as perfectionist as she often tells me that what she wants is the best for me. She filters out my friends for me, she filters out my boyfriends for me, she filters out my career choices for me. Even when I left home at 28, I felt I was chained to her opinions and approvals somehow. I am 35, and I still cannot escape from this struggle I have. Who knows, it might be like this for the rest of my life. I am used to having nervous breakdowns over the little things she says or over a glare she gives me. This has always been my normal, but I want to break away from this. 

Tonight, I had one of these episodes where she shared some misleading online news article with me. I thought it was annoying because she was requesting a response from me. Of course, a supporting response. I had a hard time finding the right words to show my support because I disagree with what the article was saying. However, I knew that if I try to reason with her, my life would be so much more difficult because she sees different opinions as disloyalty. Immediately, I broke down crying my eyes out just because I can't fake my support. Call me coward, but 15 mins later, I made a small joke about the article with the right words with just the right amount of support she requires. 

I started to wonder if anyone out there is experiencing what I am going through. I often feel so alone in my world thinking no one would understand me, and I do not want anyone to go through what I am going through, at least not alone. Hence, this blog. A place to share my experience and feelings whenever I cry, whenever I break down, whenever I need help.